


The Death of the High Priest

by MrEndOfTheWorld



Category: Food Network RPF, Guy Fieri RPF
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-20 16:24:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17026086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrEndOfTheWorld/pseuds/MrEndOfTheWorld
Summary: At Flaverton, a woman blasphemes Our Lord Guy, and receives her response.





	The Death of the High Priest

The high priest had long since gotten tired of listening, but this was the one day of the year that his sacred duties required him to grant an audience to anyone who came to the Flaverton monastery. 

A farmer wished for blessings on his crops. The king’s chef wanted benevolence from the Fieri One as she sought to create a new dish for His Majesty. An orphan child wanted to make sure his parents were in the Holy Heavens. And so on. And so on.

“May His Donkey Sauce be upon you,” said Dinars, dismissing the latest person. Had he said something about wishing for fatter sheep? Maybe pigs? Dinars really hadn’t been paying attention. 

“Next!”

A cloaked woman stepped forward. 

“Tell us, daughter, why have you come to Flaverton?” asked the high priest.

Her voice rang out, clear and angry, barely restrained fury. “You are High Priest Dinars Dinnin Andives IV, are you not?”

“That is I,” said the high priest, wishing he could speed up and go straight to the evening’s feast. 

The angry woman asked another question. “And you speak for Guy the Fieri One, god of the cooking fire and the good feast, from whom all great flavors come?” 

“Yes. Please, tell us why you have come.”

She hurled a dagger through the air, and it hit High Priest Dinars straight in the eye, sticking his head to his holy chair, killing him instantly. The crowd gasped; this was unthinkable. High Priest Dinars was well-liked.

Then she laughed clear, cold, hollow laughter. 

“I have come to Flaverton to ask where your god was five years ago, when my children and my husband died of food poisoning at your feast! You pay for his failure with your life, High Priest! Guy the Fieri One is a lie and his followers are fools!”

Suddenly, a great pillar of flame and frosted tips erupted. And from the flames emerged a smiling blonde goateed man, who looked as though he could have been the lead singer of Smash Mouth. It was the Fieri One himself! Even the mysterious woman was stunned.

The enraged god spoke in a voice that sounded harshly like aioli and garlic. “YOUR BLASPHEMY HAS ATTRACTED MY ATTENTION, MORTAL! KNOW THIS: MY WAYS ARE MY OWN, AND NOT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU TO UNDERSTAND!”

The Fieri One continued. “MY JUDGMENT IS UPON YOU! FOR KILLING MY HIGH PRIEST, YOU ARE FOREVER BANISHED FROM FLAVERTON! AND MORESO, YOU SHALL NEVER KNOW DELICIOUSNESS AGAIN!”

The god grabbed the woman, and dragged her to the gates of the monastery himself. As he threw her out, he uttered one last curse upon her. “FROM THIS DAY FORTH, EVERYTHING YOU EAT SHALL TASTE ONLY OF PLAIN OATMEAL!”

And so it was, for the rest of her days, that the woman knew no more flavors.


End file.
